"Do you ever feel you're someone else inside,
when no-one understands you are?"
I think it's hard for someone else to understand who you are inside when you don't even know yourself. One of the questions I struggle with on a more-than-daily basis is 'why can't I pinpoint myself'? Introduce me to a new person and I can get a sense of who they are, what they stand for and where they would be perfectly suited in life. Turn me in the direction of a mirror, or harder still, turn me inside out and it's like reading a map in a foreign language after being blind-folded and spun around ten times.
In part people say I can fall back on the MBTI type argument/cognitive functions. I'm an ENFJ - an Fe dominant individual. It seems like every time I mention how lost I can feel the first question I am met with is, "Is it that Fe thing (where you're influenced by those around you)?" Maybe it is and maybe it isn't; how am I supposed to be able to tell? In some small sense I can attribute some of my cloudy confusion to Fe as a cognitive function, but I truly feel it's minimal. I feel like the loss of myself runs deeper (though what runs deeper than something so innate in me?) and is something more or less tangible.
I have never taken the time to learn who I am. There have been things that have interested me, but I've always lived so terrified of making mistakes that I never gave myself the opportunity to experience some of the success that is a needle in the haystack of life's endeavours. Now I can't help but feel it is a little bit too late to be so free in my choices, because I'm no longer responsible for only myself.
Again, I feel it's more than that - like some times I'm not only looking at myself. The defining aspects of myself are all so starkly different from another that it is very much like looking at different people. Each aspect with its own aspirations, paths and ideals. I suppose the issue is wading through the conflict with a singular hope for clarity, which in turn will branch out and allow everything else to fall into line. My journey has already started and some paths have begun to converge, but you're welcome to join me for the rest of my journey.
"You're racing for tomorrow, not finished with today."
How can anybody help but look forward to tomorrow with an eagerness that can only be described as hunger? I am so excited for the opportunities that tomorrow may provide me with; for the people that I may be introduced to; for the beautiful intimacy I may get to witness; for the astounding ways that we are all so perfectly [only] human.
Speaking of things that are so perfectly human, this week I discovered a new brand of bottled water. I will never deviate from this brand so long as it is available to me. I know that sounds excessive, "Oh Em Gee, I just couldn't live without my Evian!" but I assure you it isn't quite so dramatic. In fact, everything about my love for this water fills me with awe - awe because the people who created this brand have started something incredible.
Thank You Water
Thank You Water provides a two month supply of clean, safe water for every 1.25 litre bottle purchased. Until now I purchased a 1 litre bottle most days I'm at work for $1.50. Thank You Water is $2 a bottle and you might think that extra quarter of a litre is worth fifty cents, but for what it's providing someone else with, it's worth that and more. The thank you movement is also introducing food products as well as having existing soap/hygiene products. So if you're looking for a small way to make a big impact in someone's life, it's as easy as buying a bottle of water. You can even track where your two month supply of water is being provided with a tracking number on the side of the bottle. It might not be much in the grand schemes of things that aren't right in this world, but every little counts. I like watching the figurative pennies collect in the jar.
"And if you colour my world just paint it with your love;
just colour my world."
